aft damage control?!

This is the kind of thing that balcarin, lemontart, and I talk about while watching BSG (which probably happens too often), and I figured that BSG definitely needs some levity so... here's a crazy post. There's spoilers up to Collaborators, but nothing from Torn.


Part 1- The Legend of Salty

While watching BSG, it was discovered that this man:

(the guy who's not Hot Dog) is seen often in the show, but he has no name. Who is he? What does he do? Why is he always in the rec room, and doesn't he have anywhere else to be?

First deemed "The Big Asian Guy With The Tattoos", we decided that his callsign should be Salty. You may choose whatever euphemism you would like for that, we know it's hard to pick. Here is what we know:

1) Salty is a pilot, or he has managed to convince people so.

2) He was not a nugget, as he was spotted hanging out in the rec room before Starbuck began training new pilots. Thankfully, he did not die in the explosion in the hanger bay. The reason for this can be found in #4.

3) He really likes Starbuck.



He likes watching her win triad and insult people.


The highlight of his life is when she starts fights.

4) Salty lives in the rec room. He does not sleep in quarters or go to to the mess hall, he does not enter the hanger bay, he would never risk missing a card game (or a pilot orgy) by participating in any sort of outside activity (piloting, fighting cylons, etc) if he did not think it was essential. Examples of essential activities that Salty has been seen leaving the rec room for are:

a) 1x06: Litmus

Bathroom breaks (he really hates that the camera videod him on his way to the head, it hurts his rep).

b) 1x03: Bastille Day.

Watching Starbuck be CAG.


He really enjoyed that one.

c) 2x04: Resistance.

Encouraging important people to come to the rec room to play cards. It didn't work, but he was bored since Starbuck was AWOL.

5) At one time, he was actually an active pilot. But that whole 33-minute thing and the no sleeping, it just didn't appeal to him. At least he can say he tried.


6) He has a flight suit, he just doesn't like wearing it. It chafes.

Speculations:

1) He hates Gaius Baltar. He prides himself on the fact that he did not vote for him (he did not actually vote for anyone, as the poll booths were not in the rec room).


He hates him even more when he beats Starbuck.

2) He was in the rec room when Starbuck and Apollo made out that one time; he has just made himself part of the scenery, so people expect him to be there (this does not make him sad, it makes him very pleased). It's not like he'd actually tell anyone what he saw, he does not like it when people ask too many questions.


3) The D'anna Biers video viewing in the rec room made him annoyed. It interrupted a very important card game, and also Starbuck was not there.


4) He has his suspicions about Baltar's methods of winning triad. Also, that comment about how his jacket would look good on Salty? Not amusing at all.


5) This was the best day of his life.

GREAT NEWS!!:

Salty is ALIVE. That's right, Salty made it through the occupation. We did not really doubt this, as he would have known better than to leave the rec room, but still. It is a relief.


Here he is, being very disappointed when Starbuck leaves his table. Since apparently the rec room is also the mess hall (where the hell is the kitchen, anyway? And how do they fit the entire crew into a room with like four tables?), this means that Salty eats much better than previously thought. His diet before seemed to be stale pretzels and a half-full bag of cheetos found in the back of an abandoned locker, so we are very relieved to know that he is being properly fed.



Go, Salty! You keep drinking angrily in support of Starbuck!



Part 2 - Bracing for Contact 101: A Lesson With Admiral Cain


In my intense studies of your logs, I have noticed that you all are incredibly moronic and cannot manage to brace for contact to save your life. Literally. As I am Admiral of this fleet, it is my duty to train those of you who must have been sick that day in war college. Right. I will now show you how it's done, with the help of my crew and Mr. Hoshi's CGI skills.


Step 1: See cylons.


Step 2: See cylons fire.


Step 3: See vipers miss.


Step 4: Say "brace for contact!"



Step 5. Brace for contact.



Right. Now you try.



Step 1: See cylons.

Good. That you've got.


Step 2: See cylons fire.

Okay, you're choosing to make anxious faces and derogatory comments, that's perfectly acceptable, although I prefer to be void of any and all expression during such an attack but whatever, your choice.


Step 3: See vipers miss.

Get ready.


Step 4: Say "brace for contact!"

Good job, Colonel Tigh!


Step 5: Brace for -


No - I mean hold on to something -


Standing stoically doesn't count. I'm looking at you, Adama.



That huge light in your little nook there? That was just asking for it.




Oh gods.



I - Why is that a spinny chair? Why is there a giant thin pane of glass in your CIC? Why is there a spinny chair next to a giant thin pane of glass in your CIC?!


You - I... HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD YET?


... Yeah. Okay.


I'm going to get hammered. And then we'll try this again.


Part 3 - The Yellow Jumpsuits

In the beginning, there were many yellow jumpsuits. Most deckhands and specialists were cursed with the orange and neon yellow striped jumpsuits, which do nothing for ones complexion, but some were lucky enough to have a yellow jumpsuit. After the war, they became sparse. It was difficult for a person to find both a yellow jumpsuit or a yellow helmet, much less both. But the unspoken (but still very important) hanger bay rules dictate that wearing a yellow jumpsuit with an orange helmet, or vice versa, is blasphemy. The chief has many rules, but this is sacred.

If someone is lucky enough to get their hands on a yellow jumpsuit and helmet, they hold on to it. Take Jammer, for example.


1.06: Here he is, very happy in his jumpsuit. He does not mind that they have just been caught making a lethal still. Those kind of worries are for orange-jump suited people.


2.02: He should be dead. He is practically a giant bullseye for the centurions, no matter what shade of neon his jumpsuit is. But he is still alive. I would speak about the many hanger bay myths that surround the magic of the yellow jumpsuit, but much of it is simply unsupported speculation (unless you count the following as support).


2.04: Either his jumpsuit is in the wash, or he lost it for a day on a bet. Either way, he thinks he's doing pretty okay without it.


Not so much. He got beat up by a tiny little girl.


2.09: Jammer celebrates the return of his jumpsuit with his yellow-jumpsuited breathren. And the specialists with the matching fringe.


The chief's a bit of a downer. He's just crabby he got stuck with an orange jumpsuit.


Here he is walking into the hanger bay in the morning, already wearing his jumpsuit.


He is always wearing his jumpsuit because he wears it while sleeping in fear of someone taking it away from him while he's not awake. He keeps his matching helmet under his arm, even though he doesn't wear it much (he gets bad helmet hair). It's good for keeping snacks in.


Here Cally is whispering something in his ear. Probably something like "your jumpsuit looks smokin'".


2.10: When the Pegasus arrived they brought with them many yellow jumpsuits (and apparently about a hundred more deck hands). Jammer still saw his jumpsuit as sacred. Especially since those hundred deck hands disappeared pretty fast.


3.01: This is deeply tragic. Jammer has forsaken his yellow jumpsuit. His decision to join the crazy police force wasn't because he was stupid enough to think that it would help the city. Oh no. He was just confused. He's been jumpsuit-less for months, that kind of thing can mess up anyone. He's having jumpsuit withdrawals, if you will.


3.05: Look, kids. This is what happens when you stop wearing your yellow jumpsuit.

My predictions for the future of the jumpsuits: Seelix may have ensured that Jammer would be killed so that she could get his jumpsuit. I'm not so sure about this theory. Also, I think the Chief and Cally's baby should get a mini-jumpsuit. If someone in the fleet managed to sew thirty thousand canvas tents, then they can make a mini jumpsuit. And maybe an eye patch for Tigh. Just sayin'.